> For Christmas this year, my daughter (the dear)
> purchased a week of personal training at LIFETIME
> FITNESS for me.
>
> Although I am still in great shape since being a high
> school cheerleader 30 years ago, I decided it would be
> a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
>
> I called the club and made my reservations with a
> personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself
> as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and a model for
> athletic clothing and swim wear.
>
> My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get
> started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
> chart my progress.
>
> MONDAY:
> Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed,
> but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the
> health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is
> something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde
> hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Belinda
> gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed
> watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
> aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was
> encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching
> from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be
> a FANTASTIC week!
>
> TUESDAY:
> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
> out the door.
>
> Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron
> bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs
> were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
> full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
> worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for
> me.
>
> WEDNESDAY:
> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
> toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
> forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
> pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
> steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
> parking lot.
>
> Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my
> screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a
> little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she
> gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I
> got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the
> Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
> rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it
> would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
> some other shit too.
>
> THURSDAY:
> Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
> thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
> being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
>
> Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she
> was not looking,I ran and hid in the restroom. She
> sent another skinny bitch to find me Then, as
> punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which
> I sank.
>
> FRIDAY:
> I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being
> has ever hated any other human being in the history of
> the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If
> there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I
> would beat her with it.
>
> Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
> any triceps! And if you don't w ant dents in the
> floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything
> that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung
> me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
>
> Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
> drama coach or the choir director?
>
> SATURDAY:
> Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
> voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
> want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
> strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
> catching eleven
> straight hours of the Weather Channel.
>
> SUNDAY:
> I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
> today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
> over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the
> little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun --
> like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
>
> I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he
> would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
>
>
>
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